Aggggggggggggg

While my uplifted, enlightened friend is writing her Things I am Thankful for...I am ready to spew hatred, anger, and pure ugliness. Normally, I am the one who is overflowing with the "we are so blessed...", "things are so wonderful..." and "we have a great life..." comments but today, I just fell through the lovely, sticky sweet floor onto the greasy, dirty icky surface of "she is driving me crazy..", "I am just going to say I am an orphan...", "I'm getting too old for this s..."!

Earlier this same day, I was printing out a list of wonderful statements that were inspiring, uplifting, and left me feeling like flowers were paving my path. With this positive outlook, I decided to go visit my mother: just to share my positive attitude with her and bask in love.

What the hell was I thinking?

I'm so stressed that I can not even turn my neck. There is a vise holding it in place while a red hot metal poker is randomly piercing my shoulder blades. I am canceling Thanksgiving, boycotting Christmas, and the Easter bunny better stay away or he will be on the barbecue! I hate the way that she can get to me!
It has been this way for a long, long time. I haven't liked my mom for quite a while. Unfortunately, I love her unconditionally. So I keep going back to be exasperated, flabbergasted, and unbelievable pissed! She has this uncanny ability to get under my skin and then release her acidic posion. I let my mind replay her thoughtless comments and irrational accusations. I know that she is wrong. I know that she has created her own reality. I know that she has not been sane for a very long time. But I feel.... I feel the disbelief, the confusion, the hurt.

Over the years, I have become an island. I am a hermit in a city of almost 2 million people. I live in the city that people from all over the whole travel to for entertainment and fun. Yet, I stand on the sidelines merely observing. I share little about myself. I am distant in the same room. I feel disconnected and alienated. Often, I float above the room and observe from my personal monitor: watching the play unfold while being in the room but not part of the process. How did I end up on the outside? I played by the rules. I should be on the inside enjoying the gentle touch of my soul mate, sharing an inside joke with a lover, laughing with friend that have been sown over the last twenty years. Instead, I find myself being surprised by the sound of my own voice on Sunday morning because I have spoken since I dismissed my students on Friday afternoon.
I need to make a change. But how do I disconnect from my mother, my family, and the dysfunctionalism that binds us?

They like me, they really like me...

I am not one to mess with blubbering tearful reactions.  The last time I cried in response to something was when my brother passed away.  It was a time of relief and loss and hurt and....the adjectives could go on and on.  So, when I found myself delving into that silly emotional crevasse of my being, I was surprised and a little taken aback.  You see, I often deceive myself into thinking that rejection is just a part of life.  It is not painful and it really doesn't bother me.  I am used to the subtle approach as well as the flat out "We don't want you!" response. I generally shoot back with a "It's your lose" attitude.  

However, recently, I applied for a grant for a performance club I started at school. The grant would provide materials and supplies to be used with a wonderful bunch of children.  The response to the club, as you can read in my previous posts, was amazing if not extremely overwhelming.  As time passed (three weeks to be specific and a mere week before the reception for the grant winners) I embraced that fact that the grant must have been denied.  No problem.  I quickly searched the web and found Donorchoose.com and submitted yet another glorious plea for money.  

On Friday, a curious little letter arrived in my teacher box in the staff lounge.  It was from the Junior League of Nevada.  

"Oh, you poor people.  You have lost the opportunity to be involved with a lovely group of 157 budding actress, actors, and stagecrafters!" I lied to myself.  

Really, my heart was in the lower portion of my right leg, slowly beating to the song, "All by myself, don't wanna be All by myself."  

I very deliberately sat down in a chair in the lounge, silently told myself, "It's okay.  It really doesn't matter.  You will find another opportunity." 

I took a deep, cleansing breath, and carefully opened the small envelope.  

I began reading the rejection letter.

Dear Educator,

Thank you for your grant request.  We wish you success in your endeavor but we are unable.....

Wait, that is not what is says...

We would like to invite you to a reception in which you will be honored for your commitment to education and to receive your grant award....

Well, blow me over with a feather.  Are you kidding? Tear sprang from the dried, crusty portals of wherever tears come from.  I hadn't felt this much emotion in a decade (I know this because my divorce was final ten years and 1 day ago). 

It was cathartic.  It was mind blowing!  

"We got the grant, we got the grant!" I wanted to shout, running through the school, hugging all children (careful, swine flu!) and teachers: okay not all the teachers! But everyone was in class, teaching!  How rude!

I am still riding on the high of that message, that "We like you, we really like you" message.  It was bigger than just me, so my hopes were bigger than just me.  I am in it for the students so I think my previous disappointment was also wrapped up in the children.  Or else, maybe just maybe, if I look deep enough, I can admit that is is okay to cry at rejection.  Who knew I didn't have 2 inch thick skin like a rhinoceros? I am going to have to think about that one! It might just change my entire outlook and make it a bit more blurry.  You know, tears and all!

Reflection

"They forgot to tell us! or somebody stole the rule book!” I want to shout into the crowd.
How ironic! I sound like my students. Of course, nobody stole the book. It is truly doubtful that I was not told over and over again."You need to have a plan. What are you going to do with your life? Have you applied to a college or two? Have you thought about what you want to choose as a major?" Obviously, my listener was broke. My ears were working properly as far as I can remember. Now I find myself looking in the mirror and thinking about my past.Reflection is an evil monster. Sure, at first, it was lovely. Your 501s hug your firm little butt as you glance back checking your backside. Your hair is luxurious, bouncy and full of color. No need to cover the gray or the bulges. That is decades away, if ever!Well, hello decades away! You are not only on my front porch. You are in my house and lazily sprawled out on my couch eating Bonbons. Now the reflection contains gray hairs, wrinkles, and a future in the past covered in cellulite!
Whoa, don't misinterpret. Life is amazing. I am basking in the fullness of my gravity-based existence. But it was not part of my plan or should I say plan less plan. At least I am emboldened by the fact that I have not just floated along passively accepting my fate. I have reached out and changed my situation. I have hit the wall, bounced back and ran again with fortitude. Yes, I am bruised and a little more beat up than some, but I have never been broken. I am the big little engine that could. I just keep chugging along. In my younger days, someone told me that I was never satisfied:"When you get what you want, you throw it away." she accused.I have to disagree. Have you ever been in a situation where you got what you wanted and then found out that it was just a facade: an illusion? Is it wise to continue in the charade or to get the hell out before the option to get the hell out is gone?So, I guess reflection can be helpful and not necessarily painful. What will my reflection be in another forty years? Yes, I am stating right now that I will be lucid and have the capacity to be reflective in 40 years. Will my missteps in the first 40 years provide a solid foundation for the pursuits I have yet to embrace? I will have a plan this time: a vision. I do not have the luxury of skating by on my youthful ass or brilliant green eyes (not that I took full advantage of it at the time). My endeavors will depend on the depth of my knowledge and the lessons learned in the first 40 years.Happy trails!

Expect the Unexpected

Crazy is as crazy does....a little poetic license from Forrest Gump!  As I had previously noted on this blog, I started a performance club at my school.  The response was unbelievable: 157 students signed up.  More showed interest later but we had to say "no" due to the response.  I also had four other teachers offer (out of the goodness of their hearts) to help out.  How lucky am I? There was no way I could have possibly managed that many children by myself.  

Well, I had already planned to split the group into two: primary and intermediate.  Two of the teachers would help on Tuesday, the other two on Thursday of each week.  

On Monday, I received an email basically saying, "We are splitting from the intermediate group and having a performance in December. We have picked our own play.  We talk with you about the details later."  

Hmmm, was I just bumped from my own program?  Confused and surprised, I later did meet with the two splitters.  Now, normally, one would be upset about someone or ones coming in and hijacking their project.  Not me!  It is turning out even better than I had hoped or even dreamed!  You see, my original purpose and goal was to provide a club or activity for the students at my school.  It was never about me.  I wasn't looking for glory or an opportunity to put on a stress-filled performance with a bus load of children!  I do still have a little sanity! Now our students have a primary performance club and an intermediate performance club.  But wait! It gets even better.  The intermediate group has also had a bit of a split.  As luck would have it, the art teacher (one of the glorious volunteers) has created a stage crafting club for students in the performance club who want to participate but not necessarily perform.  That makes three clubs from the original one.  How exciting is that?  Who knew that all a person had to do was get the proverbial ball rolling and the altruistic, dramatic die-hards would literally pounce out of the wood work to get involved.  Isn't life a wonderful thing!  You just never know what will happen when you start your journey.  I am so glad I was able to part of such a funny, clever little adventure!  I will keep you updated.  This is only the third week.  Who knows what else could materialize!

A few days ago, I accidentally stumbled on to an inspired blog created by someone is consider to be very special. I have been writing term papers and required reports for over 16 years. Now I want to spend my time writing creative pieces and exploring a more the wonderous side of the written word. I was stunned by the injustice of not even being considered to be invited to such a glorious endeavor. Am I so innocuous that it did not occur to any of my three somebody specials that I would hop, skip, jump, crawl, and beg to be included?
"Well" my hateful, fanged twin sneered, "I will just start my own damn writers' workshop with much more interesting and talented people who I like so much better than you bunch of grapeheads!"
Unfortunately, I don't know any other group like them. Drats! Foiled in my own revenge. Where can I find such an eclectic group of writers without all the silly hang-ups of the people I am surrounded by? Without actually leaving the comfort of my little home...no where: that's where!
"Hello, everyone out there in cyberland, wanna write and share, and write, and share and eat and drink and critic?" I ask desperately in my little corner of sincity.
If you are fun-loving, uninhibited by fear of failure (that doesn't mean human doubts occasionally), willing to push the envelope, unwilling to accept the quid pro quo, and authentic in your reach to explore life, then you can be part of my blog....any takers?

Wishing for a small 85

Wow, 85 looks like such a wonderfully small group. The number is now up to 150 lovely little elementary students. My principal continues to chuckle as he passes me in the hallway while I deliver reminders to these drama stars. Maybe if I don't hand out reminders, then the numbers will dwindle. No, I would probably just have to field more phone calls. Not that I mind speaking with these exuberant parents, it is just that there are only so many hours in a day and so many days in a week.

I must give credit...There are four other teachers that have jumped on the "crazy drama cart" and are volunteering their time and talent. Thank goodness. I really cannot imagine how I would ever have managed to handle all of these children alone.

The response has been heartwarming. Children stop me in the hall daily, reminding me that they "saw" me in drama club. It's like being at the grocery store and being spotted by a student. They seems so surprised to "bump" into: like I am a real person or something crazy like that.

Thursday was the open house at the high school and so I was there to meet my daughter's teachers. The principal happily offered to let our "little" group use the theater for our performance in the spring. He seems genuinely pleased that we had started this group at our elementary school. I must say that I was take aback. Most responses that I have received from teachers and administrators alike is..."Have you lost your ........'n mind? Are you getting paid for this? NO? insane, that is what you must be!" So when this student-focus administrator smiled and said it was a great project, I could almost feel flowers popping out of my head and float up into the air! How's that for drama!!!!
Now, just to figure out what to do with them all next week....stay tuned!

Stop the bites!

I have a past blog about how I had bitten off more than I could chew!  And yet, here I am again.  Except this bite is turning out to be a HUGE bite: huge as in  85 students and still more signing up.  

You see, I started this performance club at my school.  I have been pushing to have a club at the school for the 5 years that I have been there.  Well, my principal finally agreed and I wrote a grant...hopefully it will be approved... and then I distributed a sign-up to all the 1-5 grade students then I sat back to see if there was any response.  

Did I say 85 yet?  and the deadline is not until Monday.  My sister asked what my expectations were from the start.  I guess I thought that about 40 students would sign up.  I have decided to keep a blog about this experience.  That way, at the end of the "experiment", I will be able to reflect on the experience and decide if I should question my sanity and see a therapist.  

So happy acting to me- everyone needs a little drama in their life.

Finished Finally

After what seems like a billion or so years, classes and dollars, I have proclaimed myself DONE with school. I now have a high school graduation degree, a B.S. in Elementary Education, a M.Ed in Educational Technology and now a M.Ed. in Leadership. I have spent the last 38 years in school in one form or another: as a young child, teenager, young adult, pregnant married lady, divorced single mom and recently a frustrated "sort of "old lady! Of course the "old" is a relative term-old as a student!
I have fulfilled the requirements of public education, taken 164 undergraduate credit hours, and 69 graduate credit hour and an additional 12 graduate hours to obtain my TSLE (teaching second language education) endorsement. That does not include all the training hours in MASE(math and science education) and FOSS(full option science set) and Success For All and.... Does it seems like I have been focusing on my temporal advancement? Well, yes, maybe but we are encouraged to learn as much as possible while journeying on this little planet of ours!
Many years ago, I received my personal compass and blessing that stated that I would be a teacher. It really said that. I went on my way and forgot all about it. Funny how those things turn out to be true. It also said that universities are great places to learn but that higher learning happens in those building on the top of the mountains....
I guess it is time to start focusing on those eternal lessons since I have proclaimed myself to be done with temporal education! So I must not really be finished. I sure hope that I get better benefits in my new course of learning. Do you think I can learn Spanish without actually taking a class????

Running Around With My Head Cut Off: Even a Chicken Has More Sense!

This week has been a test in how many different and creative ways I can over-extend myself and thereby, display erratic, unpredictable, and totally irrational behavior. It's not enough for me to be completing my M.Ed in Education, working on papers until all hours of the night and morning, attending Arts Night at the high school, taking my daughter to get her driving test, moving into another home, creating an exciting lesson about Argentina with handouts and treats for 160 second graders, but also accepting to teach the lesson on Sunday morning all within the same seven days. My delusion of being Wonder Woman has suffered irreparable damage. Not to mention that I have spent hours on the phone being transferred, rerouted, recorded on message machines, and missing calls because, not only did I get charged twice for my graduation garb (required to walk across the stage) but there was not even a record of my order. I can happily report that I did finally receive my supplies but am still waiting on the extra $200 that was so conveniently removed from my account. And since when does $75.00 fee mean the same thing as "We will waive the fee..."?
Luckily I was able to save some time by going through the drive-in window to pick up my prescription. Too bad over half the prescription was missing from the bottle when I opened it at home. Another call, put on hold, can you please come back to our store.... Wow, I sure am glad I took that time-saving measure.
Of course, by then, I was ornery, stressed, and needed to find an enjoyable distraction. This is when I tiredly pulled my exhausted self to the computer to read the newest blog of my favorite author. But, wait! What? Teachers are scoundrels and the cause of all the world's problems including but not limited to global warming and poverty. (No, it didn't really say this. It was just my rose-thorn colored glasses tinting my perspective!) Well, let me tell you, I wasn't going to take this abuse any more and I let those blog followers have it! Then I went to bed.....
...And woke up very early the next morning feeling like a putz! I had realized sometime during my fitful sleep that I had just spewed my venom on the blog page of a woman that I adore, admire, and think is one of the most creative thinkers and writers that I have ever had the privilege to know in my short embattled excuse for a life.
Cautiously and full of remorse, I went back to her blog and in a very feeble attempt, apologized for my attack. I still feel awful.
I then proceeded to prepare to teach my awe inspiring lesson at church. Talk about feeling like a complete and utter moron! My humble self came out from around the corner and kicked my self- righteous, prideful butt right off the cliff and made me land smack dabble on my knees. Can you say: REPENT, REPENT, REPENT....I sure can, now!
Of course, being the graceful, poised woman that I love and respect, she never even mentioned my appalling behavior and continued on with a lovely blog about solitude and Solitude: the mental state of being and a beautiful album she was asked to review.
I have learned from this experience that the danger of stretching oneself too thin is not the act of producing shoddy work and incomplete projects but in acting in a manner that is not consistent with one's own nature. I became an ogre, not only to strangers (those poor in-the-wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time victims) but to those people I respect and love. I have learned that sometimes, asking for help is not only helpful (duh) but imperative! So if you ever feel guilty for saying "No" just remember this horrid tale you have just encountered. Hopefully you will remember the woman who encountered even more guilt because she said "Yes" when she should have said "No".
Sorry, DeNae…

Hell has Snow

As everyone that is divorced and shares a child or children know, conversations with the ex can be strained at best. Fortunately, my ex is pretty reasonable and the post-marriage conflicts have been limited, not because we live in different states or only see each other at drop-off times. No, I excel at placing myself right in the fire. Why wait for trails to find me when I can circumvent fate and plunge directly into the flame? No, in my great wisdom, I tend to follow my ex, not really him, but more my daughter's father. You see, I got tired of driving two hours to drop off or pick up my little darling, not that I didn't enjoy the car time with her on drop off days. I moved about a mile from my daughter's father to make it convenient for her and myself. That way I also have access to her school, friends, and weekly activities. I, also, petitioned my district church leader to let me attend the ward in his area because she prefers to go there. Yes, we have a lovely time at church, sitting together on the same pew with our princess between us. You know that old saying: Love one another. I'm sure we are confusing some of the less informed members into thinking we are a happy little family. Maybe that is why I never seem to have a date or get asked out...go figure!
We share my daughter's time. One year, I get to be Disneyland mom and the next; he gets to be Disneyland dad. Flexibility has always been our motto along with "spare the rod and spoil the child". As rotten as my ex was as a husband, he is oppositely equal as a father. In other words, I don't think he can even reach the pedestal that he has put her on. Hmm....that pedestal looks remotely familiar...careful, it is quite a fall!
So, when he called me yesterday and asked if I had a few minutes to talk, I thought, "Oh, great, what did I do this time?" Of course, I said, "Sure, I have time. What is it you would like to talk about?"
He proceeded to tell me what a wonderful daughter we have and how he attributes that to me being such a wonderful mother....Wait! Back the truck up...What did you say?
Yes, it is the honest truth. He said that. And not only that, he went on to say that I have done a great job raising her and he really appreciated me. Wow!
I think I better go play the lotto or try MegaBucks! Obviously all the planets are aligned and God has opened the Heavens! It just doesn't get much better than this!

Struggles of an overindulgent mother

My daughter is the most amazing child. She is kind, sweet, intelligent, and is just the best little girl a mother could ask for. That is until she isn't. But is it really that she isn't or have I just set her up to fall from this very high pedestal in the sky. I know she lives her life with passion. She has passion for her dancing. She has passion for her friends. She has passion about life's injustices. However, she does not have passion for school. But then again, neither did I. I barely squeaked by in high school, didn't perform to my best ability in academic classes. I enjoyed the ride but didn't reach for higher goals or set myself up to be successful in the college arena. And I struggled and suffered and doubted and worried and second guessed myself all through my twenties. I could have achieved great things, reached amazing heights but I let myself down because of my self doubt. I don't want to see her go through that. I want her to be empowered. I want her to take life by the tail and swing it around according to her desires and goals. How do I tell her that? How do I help her become the woman that she is capable of being: no settling for less, taking what is given to her...

I wonder if I have made it too easy. She hasn't had to fight for her position. She was never forced to participate in activities that she did not want to engage in. Maybe I should have made the path a little rocky. However, divorce does create potholes and abrasions. Bruises, scabs and scars have been introduced in to her perceived "easy" life. Perhaps, her ability to navigate this highway of parental discord and appear to have an easy life is more telling than any other aspect observed. It really hasn't been a walk at Huntington Gardens, yet she has amazingly come out smelling like a rose. hmm...

As a parent, I want her to want to do better than myself and her father. I want her to see the possibilities open to her. No, she isn't into drugs. She is not defiant. She is not a promiscuous girl. But is it enough just to be good. Shouldn't she want to reach higher and farther? At what point do I step in and say, "Okay, this is the time. You have to step up to the game. Playing and settling is not enough".

Oh, to have the answers to this question. I chose not to be a friend but a parent. Yet, I seem to be struggling at putting a face to the name. Does being a parent mean enforcing a "grounding" or "restriction", taking away priviledges? Two years. That is all I have left to make an impact. The time goes so quickly and yet, right now, it seems to be painfully slow! Of course, that is typed with unconditional love and acceptance!

Ryan, (Taj Moon) our amazing Korean exchange student

Ryan arrived in Las Vegas on Tuesday, January 6th. Whitney, Tyler Jeremy (Whitney's boyfriend), and I went to Hal Smith Elementary to meet and pick up Ryan. He was very quiet Tuesday night. Pizza and soda was provided. Ryan ate very slowly and looked a little like a deer in headlights. Whitney was so excited to meet him and tried to talk with him without overwhelming him.

Once we went home, we showed him around the house and his bedroom. He called home and then settle in. He was very quiet and, I think, overwhelmed!

Ryan speak English very well. He can generally communicate his thoughts. He is very independent and such a wonderful child. I have already fallen in love with this little guy and know I will shed many tears when he leaves in two months.

Our goal is to expose him to any many activities, sites, and experiences that are uniquely American. Disneyland, the beach, the Strip, Hoover Dam, and Red Rock trips are on the agenda. Wish us luck and love!